Confession and regrets
I started this website as a source of encouragement, so I could see how far I’ve come. In looking back this week, it has become something of the opposite. I can see how very far I’ve not come. I realize now that this is why I’ve become lax in posting lately. It’s seemed rather pointless.
In two weeks this site will be three years old, and after all of the hard work, there’s nearly no visible difference in the state of my home. Even with the help of friends (thank you, J and J), it remains as daunting and overwhelming a task now as it was three years ago. Perhaps more so because of the aura of failure that surrounds it now. And the vague feeling that I’ve somehow betrayed the support of everyone who’s been helping during the process, whether it be in person or in spirit. You’ve all been wonderful, thank you. I’m sorry if I let you down.
I have noticed a pattern throughout that time, though. Progress occurs –> life happens –> progress unoccurs. Like a real life version of Sisyphus, with me in the starring role, and my house playing the part of the boulder. Interestingly the things change, but the overall situation remains unchanged. I guess I should be happy that it hasn’t gotten worse? At least it’s remained constant.
Well, parts have remained constant. Other parts are steadily devolving. It feels like I get one thing accomplished for every three things that pop up, so I’m steadily falling further and further behind.
I’m sorry for being such a bummer in this post. I suspect I’m burning out, but don’t know what to do about it. Life requires my presence, so a month’s worth of indolence isn’t an option. Heck, even a week-long nap is out of the question.
So, there it is. I guess the saying really is true–the more things change, the more they remain the same.
and I am in total sympathy with this sentiment – discovered that I “don’t want to go home”, and finally said that out loud the other day – it was a little unnerving to realize that that is the emotion I’m in, too. All I can think is that we WILL continue, even in small steps, and just try that. (Front Entry, I’m looking at you!) It’s either that, or dynamite for the boulder, and the city frowns on explosives being detonated in municipal limits
Cleo would happily come eat everything in your house, then you could just throw everything away and not have to worry about it! 😉
More seriously, you haven’t let us down, and we are still cheering for you. Little steps!
Thank you for the boost. We did get some done on the weekend (thank you, J) and I’m starting to get back in the game. It’s so disheartening sometimes to realize what a huge task it is. I need to stop looking at it as a whole and only focus on teeny parts.
You’re right, JR, we WILL continue, without ordnance, and we WILL triumph!
*hugs* to all, and thank you again.
I feel that you are being excessively hard on yourself. Keeping even on the house with all the things that have be going on in your life over the last three years is a major achievement!
From my perspective, you have made progress and things are improving. You have even said this from time to time.
I can see how this project can be overwhelming.
You haven’t let yourself, family, me, or other friends down.
You may well be burning out. There is good news though, good techniques are available for recovering from burnout and I’d be happy to work with you to help you recover (if you want).
In closing, I gotta say dynamite, blasting caps or fireworks sound like fine ideas – even though civic government types frown on them. 😀
You absolutely have NOT let us down. Quite the opposite. You’ve shared and let us into your life. How very lucky we are!